DISPUTE RESOLUTION

2 PARAGRAPHS 4 LIBERTY: 427

As many of you know, for the past 16 years I have been “private judge” in the dispute resolution business.  And this can be a truly gratifying but also frustrating line of work: Gratifying when you can help people resolve their disputes, and frustrating when you can’t.  But, unfortunately, most people in our world do not even think about how they could help themselves and/or their friends resolve festering disputes.  So, with that in mind, I will attempt to pass along to you some tips and insights into how to get this gratifying work done.  And, productively enough, these tips can and should also be passed along to our young people as well, because it will help them not only resolve disputes, it will also will help keep them from being involved in disputes in the first place.  So here are some tips I have found to be productive:

• Focus upon the word “resolve” instead of the word “solve.”  It is almost always not possible to solve disputes between or among people because we cannot turn the clock back to provide more effective communication among people or responsibility for their actions.  Accordingly, we can only help to resolve their disputes, which almost always includes compromises on all sides. 
• Understand that resolving disputes in this manner is voluntary so, to use a baseball analogy, all parties give up their right to “hit a home run” because the other side will not agree to that result.  But each side also will not be forced to strike out, because they will not agree to that result either.  So a dispute resolution will almost always result in a “ground-rule double.”  Mostly no one is thrilled, but will almost always be happy that the dispute has been brought to an end.
• During the dispute resolution process, do not allow any “poisonous words” to be used by anyone, such as liar, thief, cheater, etc.  That almost always puts people on the defensive which, in turn, virtually guarantees that no resolution will be reached.
• Encourage all of the parties “to make a business decision.”  This means that they can and will maximize their benefits and reduce their exposures so that they put these problems behind them and can get on with their lives.
• Try to understand the dynamics of the relationships among the various parties.  For example, in dealing with disputes among family members ask if they loved the other party while they were growing up.  If so, do you still love them?  If that answer is yes, then question them about how the train got off the track.  Then, after patiently listening to the response, ask that party how they think the opposing party felt when such and such a thing happened.  As such you try to project the understanding that life can be complicated and also emotional, which will almost always soften people’s positions.  And this is crucial in helping to resolve many disputes.
• Also, when dealing with family members or former friends, see if they would be willing to give the other party a hug.  They don’t have to say anything (although often they both say that they are sorry), but that almost always changes the atmosphere in favor of resolution.
• Ask the parties to be creative in suggesting possible resolutions to the disputes.  You can as well, but I recommend that you bide your time before giving your suggestions.
• Often humor can assist to change the atmosphere in the resolution discussions.  Of course you will always try to be sensitive to the parties and the problems at hand.  But often in my mediations, for example, I tell the parties that, since they are people of some means, would they like to hear about a great investment opportunity?  I know you didn’t expect to hear something like this from your mediator, but I have such a hot lead that I simply cannot keep to myself.  Have you heard that Federal Express and United Parcel Service are actually merging companies?  Yes, it’s true and this will bring a revolution. And the name of the new company is FedUp . . .   It often changes the atmosphere – for the better.
• Finally, remind the parties how their lives will be if the dispute is not resolved.  Festering disputes, much less litigation, are expensive both in time, money and emotion.  And continuing to focus upon past grievances is simply not a happy way to live your everyday lives.  Instead, how would you like to wake up tomorrow knowing that this unpleasant dispute has finally been put to rest?

So those are some tried and true tips about how to help yourself and the people you know first avoid or then subsequently resolve disputes – for everyone’s benefit.  And bringing this about will also bring you some wonderfully gratifying feelings.  So try them, and share this approach with your friends and family.  You will be glad you did!

P.S.  The response to last week’s column asking you the favor of becoming familiar with my two musicals through www.JudgeJimGray.com was wonderful.  Many of you are now attempting to interest any theater groups with which you have connections to perform those two musical shows.  My profound thanks to each of you that are doing me that favor

(A husband’s lament: “I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me.  I think that she still regrets letting me choose the names for our twins . . ”)